Obama Blasts McCain Vietnam Surrender as “Stunt”
San Francisco Chronicle-Daily Worker-Pravda: San Francisco, CA. Dateline, September 25, 2008.
Presumptive President Barack Obama today unleashed a blistering blast at his reeling rival, Senator John McCain, before a cheering crowd at a Vietnam Veterans for Obama rally. The audience waved the assault rifles and bibles to which they were clinging throughout the Senator’s magnificent speech.
Calling John McCain’s October, 1967 shoot down and capture by the North Vietnamese a “political stunt,” Obama pointed out that McCain “supinely surrendered” despite “superficial wounds.”
“If McCain is such a hero, how come he gave up so easily?” asked Senator Obama, whom all the Mainstream-Media-that-Matter and Hollywood Stars have conceded is sure to be elected president in November. “After all, we have only his word that he had two broken arms and a broken leg. It was just a political stunt to help McCain’s future political campaigns, by making him appear patriotic,” said the Flag-Pin-Wearing Obama.
Senator Obama, who is affectionately known as The-Choice-of-all-Europe, also effectively criticized McCain’s “vicious claim” that the North Vietnamese smashed his shoulder with a rifle butt and bayoneted him, or that he was tortured during the five plus years when he was the “well-treated guest” of their government. “Anyone who would make such irresponsible statements, and thus damage our relationship with a friendly foreign government, isn’t fit to serve in the Illinois state senate, where I proudly voted “present” so many times, never mind to be leader of the Entire World as it Should Be, as I will be elected on November fourth,” said the President-To-Be. “This is the worst thing I’ve seen in my over three years' service in the United States Government!” the Veteran Legislator and Experienced Leader said.
But the President-in-Waiting wasn’t done ripping McCain. “John McLame criticizes my friend, political supporter and colleague Bill Ayers—whom I only know slightly— for not repenting that he and his wife took part in bombing New York City Police Headquarters, the Capitol building and the Pentagon, and for saying he hadn’t done enough to hurt America. But has McCain every repented of the bombing he did in North Vietnam? Not once! And he has the gall to talk about terrorists!” Ayers, now a respected professor in Daleyville after being acquitted on a technicality, has worked with Senator Obama as a fellow director of the Woods Fund and hosted Obama political gatherings in his home. The crowd sniggered delightedly at the clever “McLame” reference to McCain’s disabilities.
The one they call The One wasn’t done, “McCain also criticizes my friend and political fund raiser, Tony “The Fixer Felon” Rezko, for helping me get a few-hundred-K discount on my house. It’s a cheap shot to pick on someone in prison who can’t answer back—as former Yankee-Air-Pirate-War-Criminal-Prisoner McCain should know—but has John McCain ever paid back the Vietnamese government for the five and a half years he spent as their guest, with free room and board in, by his own admission, a Hilton? No—and he refused a generous offer from his gracious hosts to come home early, so it must have been a pretty plush freebee! Doubtless it was this largess that led McCain to support Vietnam’s lobbying effort for better trade relations!”
The crowd cheered wildly when the Next President joked about McCain’s inability to use e-mail and the Internet, because using a key board is painful for him, due to his war injuries. “He could type holding a pencil in his teeth to strike the keys. After all, an old fart like McCain has lots of time; it’s not like he’s out playing B-Ball or anything useful.”
The rapt attendees, all under age thirty, laughed until tears were streaming down their glowing young faces. “We want CHANGE, we want CHANGE NOW and we don’t care what KIND OF CHANGE it is,” they chanted, expressing their deep appreciation of the nuances of Senator Obama’s highly-detailed policy positions.
But their laughter dried up when Future Greatest-President-Ever Obama convincingly tied McCain to government waste. “McCain snidely condemns the millions in earmarks I brought home to my mentors in the Deserving Daley Dynasty in Chicago, and attacks my friend and valued advisor Franklin Raines for the well-earned compensation—under a paltry hundred million dollars by the way—he received while doing such a great job building Fannie Mae into the strong player in affordable American housing it is today, but has he ever mentioned the multi-million dollar fighter bomber he lost in North Vietnam, pulling off his political stunt? In my view, McCain should have to repay the taxpayers for the cost of both that aircraft, and the one he lost in the Forrestal fire, after he allowed it to be hit by a rocket accidently fired by another plane. With interest, of course, and not at the sweet discounted interest rate my friend and Veep-Pick-Advisor Jim Johnson got on his tiny $5 million in mortgages from Countrywide, either.”
Following his historic address, the Soon-To-Be-Elevated Senator shook hands with every worshipful member of the crowd of swooning supporters in the San Francisco VFW hall, estimated by this paper to be between 30,000 and 40,000 young Vietnam vets, before leaving ten minutes later for his weekly adoration session with the stars at yet another Hollywood fund raiser.
If they can make one after this devastating recital of facts by the God-Like Senator Obama, a rebuttal from the McCain camp will appear on page 17 of the Fashion Section, space available, if they can find someone to e-mail it to us.
Satire by Robert A. Hall, a Marine Vietnam Veteran and former Massachusetts state senator. Intended to be humor. Not real quotes. Please do not forward without this note!