Obama says time to move on, names cabinet
FPI: Dateline Chicago, October 8, 2008. Presumptive President Barrack H. Obama today said that, based on the polls, media confirmation, and input from political experts in Hollywood, the 2008 Presidential Election “is effectively over, and it’s time to move on.”
“John McCain may want to put the American Taxpayer through the wasteful expense of actually voting,” the next president forcefully said, “but I’m moving forward and today I’m naming many members of my cabinet.”
Obama appeared relaxed and sure of himself. Looking every inch the greatest president who ever lived, as even some moderates have conceded he will certainly become, Senator Obama announced several cabinet positions in the incoming Obama administration. “These appointments are effect January 20, or sooner if that Bush guy will just step aside,” the Senator said.
Secretary of Defense: William Ayers. This was the big surprise, as Obama has said he hardly knows Ayers, who hosted election events for Obama at his home in Obama’s early campaigns, and served on a board of a left wing organization with Obama. “Who knows the Pentagon better than someone who tried to blow it up?” Obama asked the cheering crowd. “Who better to get the troops out of Iraq, and every place else, than someone who attacked them here at home?” Obama denied Republican’s claims that the appointment was a political reward for Ayers support of his earlier campaigns. “As I’ve said repeatedly, I hardly know him. We sat on opposite ends of the board table—when we showed up—and I don’t think he was home when my campaign event was held in his house.”
Secretary of the Treasury: Franklin D. Raines, with deputy secretaries Jim Johnson and Tim Howard. “Who better to run the country’s economy than the three men who made Fannie Mae such a bulwark of affordable housing and economic success?” Obama asked rhetorically. “And, since they took about $150,000,000 out of Fannie, they certainly don’t need the money and are serving only because I begged them to.”
Secretary of Homeland Security: Mayor Richard Daley of Chicago. “His dad knew how to keep troublemakers in line, and this Mayor can do the same,” Obama said. “No one in the Chicago organization, me included, ever thought of criticizing the Mayor. He’ll keep a firm hand on any problems, and probably find time to help Frank Raines over at the treasury, if any problems come up.”
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Michelle Obama. “It’ll give her something to do, to make her proud of America,” the incoming president said. “I can’t have her rattling around the White House all day, especially while it’s being painted a more diverse color.”
Attorney General: Tony Rezko. “Tony knows the criminal justice system inside out, he knows how to cut a deal, and it was the least I could do for him after he helped me buy a house and raise so much campaign cash.” Smear-prone Republicans continued their vicious attack ads, pointing out that Rezko was a convicted felon, currently serving time. “The constitution wisely gives the president the power to grant pardons” Obama pointed out “I’m not waiting until the end of my term, as Bill Clinton did to help his convicted supporters, when I need Tony in my administration now.” A grateful Rezko reportedly refused additional interviews with agents probing political corruption in Illinois.
Secretary of Education. President-in-all-but-name Obama said that he had offered the position to a teacher’s union lobbyist, but that the secretary-designate was deciding if the cut in pay was worth it. “I promise you, however, that whoever holds this job will put teachers first, and no teacher’s job will be jeopardized by poor performance or by feckless parents choosing to send their children to a better school. I’m not that pro-choice!”
The One declined to name a new Secretary of Labor at this time. “We’re still counting votes,” Obama said, “But it will be someone who doesn’t support letting working people vote secretly on union issues, as I promised my loyal supporters among union leaders. The bosses should know how the rank and file vote, so they can take the appropriate action.”
“We have to be judicious in these things,” Obama said. “For example, I’ve narrowed the choice to head the Environmental Protection Agency to Michael Moore, Barbara Streisand or the Dixie Chicks. But I don’t want to move too fast and make my first mistake.”
Obama said he wasn’t able to name all of the cabinet, because contribution checks were still being tallied. “And wait until you see who I’m going to put on the expanded 15-Member Supreme Court,” he said, winking at the laughing reporters. “Can you say Chief Justice Hillary?”
Senator Obama then left for a meeting with the people he has designated to take over the military’s Joint Chiefs of Staff, including the incoming JCS Chairman, newly-promoted General Beau Biden. Accompanying the incoming president was the new Director of the CIA, Aldrich Ames, and Bernadette Dohrn, who will head up the FBI.
(Satire from Fake Press International. Not actual quotes.)