Saturday, January 17, 2009

Chicago Way Wins

Illinois’ Chicago Way upsets Washington Hot Air!
Robert A. Hall, Sports Reporter

In a stunning upset, a fired-up Illinois team, The Chicago Way has upset the highly favored Democrat Hot Air from Washington, DC on their home field. The Way is owned and often coached by Richard “Boss” Daley.

Harry “Empty Suit” Reid, quarterback of the Dems, had been trash-talking the Chicago team for weeks. “Them tainted bums won’t score a point,” Reid had scoffed, in one of sport’s greatest misstatements, “The door is shut.”

The key play came when Illinois quarterback Rod “Bleepin’” Blagojevich ran an option with only seconds left on the clock. The Hot Air blitzed, and it looked like Bleepin’ was going down, but just as they swarmed him, he tossed a Hail Mary pass to wide receiver Roland “Blacker-Than-Barack” Burris.

Burris, who hadn’t started for Chicago in several years, came in at wide receiver when more experienced players refused to play with Blagojevich, claiming Bleepin’ was “tainted,” a charge Hot Air players used to taunt him. Fans were disappointed that the team salary cap wouldn’t let them suit up favorite Number Five, Jessie “Junior” Jackson, who badly wanted to start.

But the experienced Burris snagged the pass, despite playing in a cold rain, and turned up field to face what looked like an impenetrable Hot Air line.

Then, out of nowhere, Chicago Fullback Bobbie “Race-Card” Rush threw a terrific block that flattened the entire Hot Air team. Linebacker Dick “Double Your Lawsuits” Durbin was so disoriented by the hit that he switched sides and started blocking for Burris, forgetting that, though he played for Chicago for years, he was now Co-Captain of the Hot Air Eleven.

With the way cleared by Rush and Durbin, Burris danced into the end zone untouched for the winning touchdown, where he was flagged for excessive celebration. But the penalty didn’t count as time had expired, leaving Blagojevich and The Chicago Way with the upset win.

Reid was gracious in defeat, calling Burris, “One of the game’s great players” and inviting him to play for the Hot Air team. Burris accepted a two-year, no cut contract, with an option to renew, and will suit up with the Democrat Hot Air for at least the next two seasons.

Barack “Changin’ Hussein” Obama, another former Chicago Way player now with a starring role in the Hot Air organization, originally had refused to indicate which team he supported, saying only that he would be “present.” However, Obama missed the game, because, as he said, “There can only be one quarterback at a time,” but professed himself delighted with the Chicago win that brought Burris to his team. “He’s exactly the caliber of player we need,” Obama gushed, “With Burris and Al “Funnyman” Franken in our lineup, people will know what Democrats are made of!”

Bleepin’ Blagojevich’s triumph may be short lived. Fans and members of The Chicago Way farm team, which plays in Springfield, IL, were still demanding that he be canned, with Pat “Pushover” Quinn taking over the quarterback role.

But no one can take this sweet victory from Blagojevich, because, as he said, “It’s Bleepin’ Golden.”

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