Thursday, December 1, 2011

You might be an Occupy Wall Street protester if...

Robert A. Hall

You’re naïve enough to believe that 99% of the people agree with you.

You are so concerned about global warming that you signed a petition to ban carbon-based life forms.

You think crapping on police cars and the American flag will win over the public to your cause.

You think the government is putting di-hydrogen oxide in the drinking water to poison poor people.

You hate capitalism, but can’t imagine life without iPods, laptops, Starbucks, Ben & Jerry’s, smart-phones and the millions of other good things capitalism provides, that no other system does.

You think pepper spray kills lice.

You couldn’t explain “supply and demand” if they gave you three tries, and the prize was a $50 baggie.

You hate Wall Street but support Obama, who got more Wall Street political contributions than any other politician.

You own a $5,000 laptop, a $300 smart phone, and every item of clothing on you cost over $100, and you think you are deprived.

You hate the bums who come in and free load off the free food supporters donated to you.

You heard that David Duke endorsed OWS, and are delighted to have English royalty on your side.

You hate what Wall Street has done to the economy, but love Fanny Mae and the leftist politicians who gave them the tools and the green flag.

You got crabs from your tent-mates, and didn’t even have sex. As far as you remember.

You celebrate diversity, except for those dirty Zionist Jews who run Wall Street and the banks.

You think all debts should be cancelled, but first you want your parents to get their life savings out of the bank before they collapse due to the cancellation of all debts, so they can still support you.

When you chant, “The people, united, will never be defeated,” you’re thinking that uniting with that Wellesley coed wearing only shorts and body paint would be a good first step.

You get a funny WTF look on your face if you go someplace that doesn’t smell of urine.

You’re outraged that majoring in “Peace Studies” with a minor in dance hasn’t gotten you a six-figure job right out of college. With a company car and six weeks vacation. All your professors assured you that it was a great career track.

The last thing you “occupied” was the pull-out couch in your parent’s basement.

You think everyone is entitled to a minimum wage of $18 per hour even if they don’t have a job, and if that means everyone collects $18 an hour 24/7 for not working, won’t this be a great world?

You think crapping in a Starbuck’s Grande size latte cup and tossing it outside the park shows how considerate you are.

You think food is made at the supermarket, and should be given away, not sold for a profit.

You think grabbing the pizza and running from the delivery guy is “sticking it to the man.”

You talk a lot about your “constitutional rights,” but have never read the constitution.

You think healthcare, jobs, good housing, free food, clothing and maybe a nice ride are human rights guaranteed by the constitution, just like free drugs and sleeping until noon.

You’re not really sure exactly what “constitution” means, because you weren’t a Law major, for God’s sake.

You can’t believe how the cost of weed is skyrocketing here among your socialist brethren, and assume it must be grown by evil capitalists.

You think it’s pure evil for the banks to expect loans to be repaid, but wish you could find that guy who borrowed your cell phone so you could call your parents for some cash.

Your sister gave you A200 for Christmas.

You hate capitalism, but can’t think of any non-capitalist countries you’d be willing to live in.

You’re for spreading the wealth around, but if you catch that SOB who stole your laptop, you’ll beat the hell out of him.

You think people having sex in public is cool, but wish you were included.

Your parents have decided that, since you’re 32, this is not a stage you will grow out of, and have sold the house and moved. You think to a condo in a 55-and-over only community, but can’t be sure, as they left no forwarding address or phone.

You found out that your mother is telling people you are in prison to avoid the embarrassment.

You thought “income equality” was our worst problem, until you looked around and discovered the “intercourse inequality” between you and the attractive kids.

You think spending a night in a damp sleeping bag when it dropped below 40 degrees and everyone ran out of weed is the same kind of hardship they give soldiers medals for.

You know it’s time for a sponge bath at McDonalds when even your fellow protesters flinch at your pong.

You consider reneging on your student loans as “working your way through college.”

You keep the words on your protest signs short and easy to spell, because you weren’t an English major, for God’s sake.

You think Bush was as evil as Hitler, but don’t really know who Hitler was. Didn’t he evict protesters, or something?

You hate the rich 1%, but love George Soros, Barack Obama, John Kerry, the Kennedys, Michael Moore, Nancy Pelosi, all the Hollywood leftist stars and other downtrodden multi-millionaires.

You think we should abolish the police, and that if you could just find the misguided fellow who raped the girl in the next tent, a “shame circle” would straighten him out.

You believe in “free love,” except for the guy who gave your occupy-hookup-girlfriend the STD she passed to you.

You have discovered that constant drumming and drugs give you migraines.

You are pleased you put those rich capitalist small businesses and hot dog venders near the park out of business by driving their customers away.

You can’t understand why anyone would vote for a Republican. You certainly wouldn’t if you ever bothered to vote. But man, there are lines….

You think we need a far-sighted leader who will have the government run the economy like Mao, Stalin, Hitler, Mussolini and Mugabe did.

You don’t know much about history except that America is evil, always invades other countries like France that you can’t find on a map, and was the only society to ever have slavery. Or require loans to be paid back.

You think it shows the diversity of the OWS movement that both the American Nazi Party and the American Communist Party have endorsed it.

You thought Wall Street would give in and make this country a Socialist Workers Paradise before it got so damn cold….


Robert A. Hall is the author of The Coming Collapse of the American Republic: And what you can do to prevent it. ( (All royalties go to a charity to help wounded veterans) For a free PDF of the book, write him at tartanmarine(at)


  1. I think the 99% actually stands for the number of OWS supporters who voted Our current leadership into office... I think they call that buyers remorse :-)

    You May have left out that the same people who quote JFK in these groups... Have never took to heart the words of his inaugural address or what he and our great nation stands for.

  2. clearly, you don't "get it"

    so be it. so it goes

  3. I think "The Old Jarhead" gets it just right.

  4. but you're mistaken.

    "lame und lame lie."


  6. I think that about sums up the attitudes. Nicely done.

  7. Mo Rage,
    A village, or two, is looking for you.

  8. As always, right on the money...

  9. Interesting looking at the article. The situation was far worse. I think that's why Mr. Hall wrote the book (many more defining facts in the book).

    Not from the book... But relevant:
    According to the GAO audit, bailout loans were $16.1 trillion made by the Federal Reserve between December 1, 2007 and July 21, 2010.  The following list of firms and the amount of money that they received was taken directly from page 131 of the GAO audit report....

    Citigroup - $2.513 trillion
    Morgan Stanley - $2.041 trillion
    Merrill Lynch - $1.949 trillion
    Bank of America - $1.344 trillion
    Barclays PLC - $868 billion
    Bear Sterns - $853 billion
    Goldman Sachs - $814 billion
    Royal Bank of Scotland - $541 billion
    JP Morgan Chase - $391 billion
    Deutsche Bank - $354 billion
    UBS - $287 billion
    Credit Suisse - $262 billion
    Lehman Brothers - $183 billion
    Bank of Scotland - $181 billion
    BNP Paribas - $175 billion
    Wells Fargo - $159 billion
    Dexia - $159 billion
    Wachovia - $142 billion
    Dresdner Bank - $135 billion
    Societe Generale - $124 billion
    "All Other Borrowers" - $2.639 trillion

    The following is an excerpt from a statement about this audit that was taken from the official website of Senator Sanders....
    "As a result of this audit, we now know that the Federal Reserve provided more than $16 trillion in total financial assistance to some of the largest financial institutions and corporations in the United States and throughout the world"