New Politically Correct Terms

As you know, everyone has the recently-discovered Constitutional Right not to be offended. Well, not everyone. There is an exception for Christians, Jews and White Males. You can still use your formerly-unrestricted right of free speech to offend them as much as you’d like.

This new right has resulted in politicians and pundits in the Leftstream Media dropping the term “Illegal Immigrants” for immigrants who are here illegally, in favor of the politically correct term “Undocumented Workers,” which is required to be used even for non-working immigrants on welfare or unemployed.

As an avant garde writer who likes to stay ahead of the curve, I’ve compiled the following list of modern, up-to-date, inoffensive terms which you can use as a guide to hold the Thought Police at bay. (Best if used before June, 2010.) You have to stay on top of this kind of thing, as the Perpetually-Offended are always finding new offensive terms.

Here’s a historical example:

Old ---- New
Morons, Idiots ---- Feeble Minded
Feeble Minded ---- Retarded
Retarded ---- Mentally Challenged

It is now politically-incorrect to use “Retarded” as an insult (just ask Rahm Emanuel), but using insults further back in the chain of words that pejorated, like moron, is again fine, because they are no longer associated with . So pay attention. One day you’ll say, “Mentally Challenged” and the Thought Police will be all over you.

Some of it depends on who you are. Gay folks have started using “Queer” in a political way. If you aren’t Gay, better not. And rap signers who use the “N” ward are called artists. If you aren’t Black, you won’t be called an artist. Today, the “F” word appears in print a lot more than the “N” word, which is as unacceptable as the “C” word, even if you are quoting a bigot to vilify him.

Once our friends from Mexico decide if they want to be called Hispanics, Latinos or Chicanos, I’ll let you know.

Old, insensitive, offensive term ---- New, compassionate, politically-correct term

Illegal Immigrant ---- Undocumented Worker
Border Patrol Agent ---- Racist
Colored Person ---- Person of Color
Global Warming ---- Climate Change
Liberal, Socialist, Communist ---- Progressive
Conservative ---- Wingnut
Illegal Voter ---- Undocumented Citizen
Failure ---- Pre-achiever
Drug Dealer ---- Undocumented Pharmacist
Smack, Meth, Crack, Weed ---- Non-prescribed Pharmaceuticals
Crack Whore ---- Barter Economy Worker
Bribe ---- Unearned Bonus
Kickback ---- Public Service Bonus
Shack Job ---- POOSSLQ
Crook ---- Pre-ethical Citizen
Wanted Criminal ---- Person of Interest
Coyote ---- Undocumented Dog
Female Genital Mutilation ---- Multicultural “Nicking”
Polygamy ---- Undocumented Multicultural Marriage
Earmark ---- Investment in District
Deficit ---- Investment by Future Workers
Dropout ---- Undocumented Early Graduate
Drunk, Druggie ---- Societal Victim
Con Artist ---- Undocumented Attorney
Suicide Bomber ---- Non-certified Explosives Expert
Welfare Queen ---- Government Client
Thugs ---- Union Organizers
Robber ---- Wealth Redistribution Worker
Mobster ---- Public Official
Politician ---- Un-indicted Co-conspirator
Death ---- Healthcare Cost Reduction
Dead ---- Reduced Carbon Footprint
Bureaucrat ---- Early Retiree
Check Kiter ---- Undocumented Withdrawer
Islamic Terrorist ---- Population Control Expert
Child Murderer ---- Undocumented Very Late Term Abortionist
Gang Leader ---- Community Organizer
Murderer ---- Undocumented Hospice Assistant
Murder Victim ---- Unplanned Organ Donor
Letcher ---- Reoccurring Romantic
Burglar ---- Undocumented Acquisitions Expert
Convict, prisoner ---- Temporary Government Guest
Hooker ---- Undocumented Temporary Spouse
Taxpayer Bailout ---- Troubled Asset Relief
Investor who creates jobs ---- Rich Exploiter
Government Takeover ---- Reform
Liberal Protester ---- Free Speech Patriot
Conservative Protester ---- Dangerous, Lunatic Teabagger
Leftwing Riot ---- Protest
Rightwing Protest ---- Riot
Bore ---- Blogger

Please feel free to post your additions to the list as comments. No points for "Undocumented President"--too easy