I finished my taxes yesterday. It was pretty easy this year, due to my new tax strategy.
See, in the past, I’ve always been a straight arrow, claiming only what I could document, paying everything I owed. But I discovered that I was being, as Chicago Tribune columnist John Kass says, a chumbolone.
Now I have seen the light. The middleclass, working, Republican centrist approach to taxes is for, well, chumbolones. So this year, I decided that following the example of those working-class heroes Tim Gaither, Charlie Rangel, Tom Daschle and Nancy Killefer was the way to fame and fortune.
Yes, I forgot to pay taxes on my many vacation homes, on my compensation as a consultant from international organizations, on the car and driver provided me out of “friendship” as “gifts” from big political donors I’ve supported, or taxes on the many nannies and domestics who staff my mansions. I now know that being for the poor and powerless clearly pays off better than working for a living and paying taxes.
I put a note to the IRS in my return, saying that while they might not agree with my decisions, I’d remind them that this type of thing is just a “hiccup,” according to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. Who are they to argue with a fine lawyer like Harry or the many lawyers on his team who now run the Congress?
Now all I have to do is wait for a job offer from President Obama, and I’m off to Washington to fight for the little guy. If it turns out as lucrative as these other folks’ careers, a couple of my nannies may even be able to give up their day jobs at Hooters.
Taxes? They’re for the chumbolones!