New Games for the Chicago Olympics
Robert A. Hall
As all the world knows, Chicago is one of the cities bidding to be the site for the 2016 Olympics. For those of us who live here in Blagobamaville, the prospect is thrilling. Millions of dollars in revenue, thousands of new jobs, wonderful entertainment and not a cent of taxpayer money at risk—what could be finer?
Oh, sure, other cities that have hosted the Olympics or the World’s Fair have had financial troubles, corruption and crime. But there’s no danger of that happening here, because Illinois in general, and Chicago in particular, has a national reputation for solid management, fiscal prudence and gold-plated integrity that extends all the way to the White House.
Speaking of the White House, the word on the Chicago street is that, with this being the home of the new President, the fix is in—figuratively speaking, of course.
As a resident of Crook County, I’m delighted at the prospect, and looking forward eagerly to 2016, when the Chicago Olympics will make the last year of President Obama’s media-guaranteed second term even more to be anticipated than usual.
To do my part, I have several new games to suggest to the Olympic Committee, which will add a real Chicago Flavor to the Olympics.
The Guano Gambol: Erstwhile politicians attempt to emulate the feat of our new President by tiptoeing barefoot across the cesspool of Chicago/Illinois politics without noticing the stink, mentioning the manure or soiling their tootsies. While it’s a violation for Olympic Athletes to be paid, this is Chicago—surely there’d be no harm in Tony Rezko helping the winner get a discount on a new home?
The Drum Cram: Contestants honor the Chicago Outfit by dismembering a six-foot mobster and cramming the body into an oil drum. Points for time, style and creative hiding of leftover bits.
The Musical Senate Seat: Hosted by former Governor Rod Blagojevich. Contestants dance around a bleepin-golden chair, whispering in Rod’s ear how much sitting in it is worth, trying to convince him to stop the music at just the right spot. Contestants may be assisted by teammates based on ethnicity. Contestants caught on tape are disqualified. Winner gets to serve a cold crow lunch to Harry Reid and other Democrats in the US Senate.
The Patronage Plunge: Contestants are giving a billion dollars in “stimulus” funds to spend on public works and government programs in Chicago. The object is to hire the most friends, campaign workers and relatives without the media catching on. Winner receives a trophy known as “The Daley.”
The Pocket Pick: While one contestant distracts gullible taxpayers with visions of world-class sporting events, free-flowing dollars and wonderful jobs, a teammate must deftly slide out the enthralled folks’ wallets, extract all the cash and credit cards, and slip them back into the fans’ pockets undetected. Victory goes to the team that contributes the most taxpayer cash to cover the inevitable Olympic fiscal nightmare. Winning team receives the Gold Chumbolone Award, presented by Chicago Tribune columnist John Kass.
I don’t know about you, but 2016 can’t get here fast enough for me.
Robert A. Hall is a Marine Vietnam veteran who served five terms in the Massachusetts state senate. He blogs at www.tartanmarine.blogspot.com